WARNING: This entry is full of things that I may or may not be able to convey to anybody. This may be your first time hearing or reading the things in this entry from me. If in some way, I accidentally hurt anybody through words written here, I apologize. Again, you've been warned.
Choices, are processes that one has to undergo several times in order to survive in life and in this world. In order to live on, one must select his choices very wisely, or else, his life would be meaningless.
I am the only son of our family. I don't have any brother or sister that can support me whenever I am feeling down. Since I was a child, many bullies have come to taunt me, and since my parents are both strict back then, I always think that it is better to be bullied than to take a fight head on. At least, if you keep the bullies from bullying you, it will never taint the respect of other people towards your parents.
My father, is an OFW, or an Oversees Filipino Worker. My mother on the other hand, is a teacher and a housewife. My father left for work in abroad when I was just three. He occasionally come home once every two years back then. And for the "little" me, it was one of my happiest events throughout the last two years. But, his stay with us, is always so short. Short enough that I don't want time to pass by. Just for mainly two reasons, first, I don't want to see my mom crying because I am crying. Second, I just want our family to be completed. Many times did my mom told me, that they were sacrificing for my sake. And back then, even though I am just a child. I've always hated when she tells me that. But, since I respect them a lot, I just smiled and hugged my mom. Although, it was painful for me.
But, deep down inside, I just want to cry. It even came to a point where I just want to stop studying so that we can be together again. I may sound fake, but I treasure my family more than anyone could ever think.
Time passed, days became weeks, weeks became months and soon enough, without me realizing it, I've endured more and more pain just to smile when they are in front of me. I learned to fake my smiles just to hide the depression that is slowly eating me. I've learned to endure every painful thing that came my way just to make sure that my family never worries about me. It became so painful that sometimes, I just want to feel physical pain for the hope that it can ease the pain that I am feeling.
Back then, I always say things that made my friends wonder if I am really at the same age as them. And their reactions always makes me laugh. I became like this not because I want to be like this, but because, I don't have any other choices. I have to support my mom and my family emotionally in the place of my father. Even though I am just a kid back then, what else can I do? This is my one and only choice. I needed to be like this not because it is a very fulfilling way to end those painful things, but because somehow, I needed to be like this. People, always doubted the way I act. Almost all of them think that I am a bit too serious for my age.
But, before you think like that, let me tell you this. As I have said earlier, I don't have any choice. I can't loiter around until I want to after school. My mom would always be worrying where on earth I am. I can't just spend all my money on something that I want. It would always make my parents wonder what did I bought. I can't be like you who can drink alcohol and puff a pack of cigar an hour. It will be a huge inconvenience for my parents since my lungs are weak and I am allergic to alcoholic drinks. I can't be like you who can always spend all their allowance on something that they want. I have to save if there's something that I want to buy, we're not rich. I can't be out in the streets until dawn. It would just make my parents to worry even more. The things that I have cited here might be awful to some who will be reading this. But, I thank God, for giving me this body and my parents. Both maybe, are not perfect, but both are just what I needed. Not to survive or live. But to have a life worth living.
We have our own choices in this world, choices that nobody could ever make for us. Even though it may be like a cage for others, for me, this is a sanctuary. Maybe I only have one choice as of the moment, but, I will take that choice life has given me. Even if I have to be like this at an early age, even if many will criticize me for what they think to be true, I won't care. Even if I we're to endure another world of pain, if it's to make my family happy, I would rather take it with open arms. In that way, my smile would just grow wider and brighter. In that way, my family would just stay smiling. In that way, I can grow with an open mind and an open heart. And even if I have lost my true self in this process, I won't hesitate. Since this is my one and only choice, I'd rather make it through this challenge incomplete, than to not make it at all.
Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all. - Princess Diaries
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